


The Kings of New Orleans

by gypsyweaver



Series: Ineffable Teens (Good Omens) [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, But the adults are not scumbags about it, Crushes, Crushes on Adults, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, Mischief, New Orleans, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), POV Adam Young, Teen Angst, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), alternate universe - mall, preteen angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25423078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gypsyweaver/pseuds/gypsyweaver
Summary: It's the first day of summer vacation, and Adam and his friends do not intend to miss a thing. In sweltering New Orleans, the best place to hang out is the air-conditioned Chez Mall, where the world is full of possibility.The Them start at Center Court Coffee, and the head to the Hot Topic to pay a call on Beelzebub--purveyor of free candy bars and Pepper's crush. In the Hot Topic, they learn that Beelzebub's skeezy fencing coach has been following them...
Relationships: Anathema Device & The Them (Good Omens), Beelzebub & The Them, Crowley & The Them (Good Omens), Warlock Dowling & The Them (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Teens (Good Omens) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1548847
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14
Collections: Human AUs





	The Kings of New Orleans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BGHoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BGHoman/gifts).



> CW: brief mention of (poorly) attempted child trafficking

It was the first Monday of Summer Vacation, and Adam Young was not planning on wasting it.

Summertime was his time. The long months of sweltering potential. The entirety of his suburban neighborhood was his domain. He had the best games, the best friends, and very little adult supervision.

There were four of them. The Them, as they called themselves. Adam, Brian, Wensleydale, and Pepper. They had a great deal more freedom than most kids their age.

He and his friends had parents, of course. But they were the busy sort.

Adam’s dad was a sixty-hour-a-week job type, and his mom was a volunteer for a bunch of different things. She’d taken up with the local theatre, and done well at it. Adam thought she was really excellent in _A Streetcar Named Desire_ , even though he didn’t quite understand the play.

Brian’s mom worked for St. Vincent de Paul's and two food pantries--technically, she was paid, but she worked loads of extra hours because it was a church job, and you just _did_ that if you worked for the church. Brian’s dad drove a box truck for a local food distributor, and made good money doing that.

Wensleydale’s parents both worked at their elementary school, which you would think meant that they got summers off. But summers meant continuing education and workshops and curriculum work. Besides that, Wensley’s dad had announced that he was expanding the house that summer, and the kids therefore steered clear of the Wensleydale house--unless they felt like being press-ganged into whatever was the building project _du jour_.

Pepper’s family seemed to prefer to forget about her, but that wasn’t terribly surprising. Her mother wanted a different version of Pepper. A girlier one. But Pepper was deep in books and feminist thought. It did not help that Pepper’s biological father was Black, and her mother and stepfather and blonde-haired sister were not. After a disastrous debut at her solitary beauty pageant, Pepper was allowed to do as she would. Her much milder sister played dress-up with their mom.

Pepper pretended that it didn’t hurt, but Adam thought it must. The rest of The Them were very grateful to be only-children with parents who stayed married.

So, no, their parents were not negligent, per se. Not even Pepper’s parents. They were the type of parents who (in a couple more years) would be very likely to say things like, “I don’t care if you drink, as long as you don’t drive.”

But they were still years away from that.

They were in the last good summer, although they had no way of knowing that in a year, Hurricane Katrina would destroy their city, flood their homes, and separate them all forever.

No, it was Monday, and they were the kings of all creation. The kings of New Orleans, at least.

Monday was a great day. Sergeant Shadwell was on duty at Chez Mall, which meant that with the blazing heat making playing outside untenable, they would ride their bikes out to the mall and walk past one of the many, many signs that declared that “ALL CHILDREN UNDER AGE 13 MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT AT ALL TIMES”, and see what pleasures the world offered them.

They each had a bit of cash. Brian helped his dad out with deliveries sometimes, and his dad paid him for it. Wensley’s birthday had just passed, and so he was flush from generous grandparents. Pepper and Adam both got decent allowances. Adam picked up some more from doing the occasional odd job for the old lady that lived next door. So they had cash in their pockets and Shadwell was on duty.

The world was...not their oyster. None of them cared very much for oysters. But it was certainly their three-scoop waffle cone.

Sergeant Shadwell was lenient with The Them. He’d grouse at Adam, and he’d kick them out if they got up to too much mischief, but he didn’t call their parents. Unlike Mr. Tyler, the fussbudget dillweed who worked when Shadwell did not.

And Mondays were Shadwell’s days. Most likely, Beelzebub would be there, too. Adam liked Beelzebub. They gave candy bars away to The Them, and they never got tired of Pepper’s endless questions about swords and fencing.

They might see Warlock, too. Adam felt bad for Warlock. His parents were...something, and that’s for certain. Crowley and Beelzebub took care of Warlock, which is why nothing too bad had happened to him yet.

So, in the last hour of a morning that weighed heavily with promise, The Them coasted into the bike racks at the western entrance of Chez Mall, and entered the Macy’s. They went in with a big group of people. In that way, they slipped past the negligible security of Chez Mall.

The light was golden and beautiful, streaming down from the skylights like the fingers of God. It lit the fat ivy in their wooden planters, the wrought iron benches, and--when they reached center court--the splashing silvery water of the huge waterfall and its pool.

They climbed up the chlorine-smelling stairs that served as a moat over the water feature, and onto the platform that Center Court Coffee occupied.

Spike was working, and so was Will. Adam liked them both.

“Greetings, younglings,” Will said. He just spoke that way. “And how does this glorious day find you?”

“Pretty good,” Adam said. “And you?”

“Oh, Hell is empty and all the devils are here,” Will replied. “It’s the first day of summer.”

“Can we get you something?” Spike asked.

“Uh, yeah.”

Adam liked beignets and ordered a plate of them and a root beer. They served ice-cream, so Brian got a double-scoop of double-chocolate chocolate chip. Pepper ordered a brown cow, and Wensleydale asked for two glazed doughnuts and a cup of black coffee with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Adam, feeling generous, paid for all of them. He tipped, and tipped well.

“We love you,” Spike said.

Adam knew that he meant it.

The four of them crowded into the café table that was “their table”. It was right beside the waterfall, surrounded by lush plants, and beneath a skylight.

“Where’d you want to go, after this?” Brian asked.

“Hot Topic?” Pepper asked.

“Alright,” Adam agreed. “But we gotta sneak around Crowley.”

Crowley, Beelzebub’s cousin, would kick them out. He was friends with the owner of the mall, and the owner of the mall didn’t like unsupervised kids.

Crowley didn’t kick Warlock out, but Warlock tended to behave himself better. Or just never got caught. Adam thought Warlock was pretty cool. Put together, his mom would say. Warlock was well put together.

(Of course, Wensley’s mom--the school psychologist--would say that his perceived maturity was due to unrealistic expectations and absentee parenting. Adam understood that, too. Not from personal experience, but a weird kinship that he had with this super-deep, intellectual kid. Like he knew him. Adam wanted Warlock to just run away with Crowley and Beelzebub when they left for college and have a happy life.)

But Crowley would boot them from the mall. It’s not like he wanted to kick The Them out, he just _had_ to do it. That’s why they approached from the western entrance. From behind Crowley’s desk.

Adam could see the back of Crowley’s head from his perch in the corner of the café table. Crowley was bent over one of his wreaths. Black and orange. Halloween was going to be more epic this year than last, and last year, the stores in Chez Mall gave out full-sized candy bars. Crowley was in charge of that, so Adam couldn’t be really mad at him. No matter how many times he threw The Them out (shaking his head and pointing to the signs on every door. The ones about unaccompanied minors.)

Well, his focus on his hot glue gun would make it easier to get around him.

“Okay, after Hot Topic?” Adam said.

“Temple o’ Toys?” Brian asked.

“Oh, yeah! Brilliant!” Adam said.

Temple o’ Toys had four different consoles to play the newest games on. Plus a bunch of model kits, which Adam loved doing with his dad, when his dad had time.

There was a model Bentley that he was hoping to get for his birthday. And a dog. He really wanted a dog.

“Anathema’s after,” Adam said. “She’s right across the hall.”

“Well, yeah,” Pepper said, with a smirk. “You gotta see your _girlfriend_ , right?”

Adam laughed, but he blushed, too. Anathema Device was smart and pretty. She also had a guy, Newt, who was crazy about her.

Anathema treated Adam and The Them like they were equals. Like they had opinions that mattered. She kept Pepper in books and Indie zines about girl power and Black liberation. She turned Brian on to landfill mining and even found some periodicals on ethics and accounting for Wensleydale. She had bought Adam a subscription to Strange Magazine, and another to Weird Happenings for his last birthday.

He was too young to know what to do about how dear she was to him, except to blush. And change the subject.

“What about your... _friend_?” he shot back at Pepper.

“Beelzebub?” Pepper laughed. “Yeah, right.”

But she was blushing, too. Adam didn’t want to push her any further than that. He felt like he should encourage Pepper. She was actually having nice feelings for someone--someone who was kind to them. Pepper’s interest in other people didn’t usually extend beyond wanting to hit them with a stick. Her blushes were as newsworthy as his.

“Guess we could loop around to the pet shop,” Wensley said. “They might have baby bunnies. They did last time.”

“And puppies,” Brian added. “They always have puppies.”

“Perfect,” Adam said, smiling.

And it was. It really was.

They finished their snacks, and threw their trash away. Sneaking past Crowley was easy, as crowded as the mall was. They kept a wide berth from the GAP, which would CALL Shadwell to toss them out. The music of the Hot Topic hit them, and Adam could feel it from the soles of his shoes to the tip of his head. He didn’t know if he liked it or not, but he knew that it was the stuff that Warlock listened to.

The Them slipped past the iron gates and into Beelzebub’s store.

“Hey, kids,” Beelzebub called out, in their posh Upper Garden District accent. “Be with you in a minute.”

They had a customer.

Adam knew what they were. Pepper had told him. At first, he’d been really disappointed to find out that someone who was nice to him was a drug dealer.

He’d held on to the knowledge for a whole week. Chewing on it, really digesting it. He thought he ought to tell the police, but Pepper said that she’d never speak to him again. In the end, he’d gone to Anathema, and she’d set him straight.

They weren’t hurting anybody. The stuff that they sold was harmless, and the government made it illegal to sell because they wanted a reason to arrest some political activists in the sixties. She had articles from real newspapers about how the CIA used acid to try and make supersoldiers, and to torture prisoners of war.

Really sick, twisted stuff.

The gooshy stuff.

Beelzebub wasn’t perfect, but the money that they made selling LSD was going to get them away from their parents, who were a horror show. Even though Adam’s dad knew Mr. DeVille from Endymion and said he was a capital fellow.

Dagon, who had really wicked teeth, leaned over and whispered something to Wensleydale, who blushed beet red and whispered, “Yeah...” hoarsely.

Everybody was growing up, but Adam would have never have guessed that Emily Dagon could have gotten a blush out of straight-laced Wensley.

“C’mon,” Wensleydale said, taking Adam by the hand. “C’mon. Over here.”

He pulled Adam to a corner of the store, the area with all the Goth zines and stationery and Brian and Pepper followed.

Dagon went behind the counter, and then joined them soon after, carrying a big black tub.

“Lookit!” she said, setting the tub down and kneeling beside it. The Them gathered around. “Want to help me? They just started meeping.”

“Kittens!” Pepper exclaimed.

Dagon nodded. “That’s Pothole, and that’s Da Boot.”

“Da Boot?” Brian asked.

“Ugh, yeah,” Dagon confirmed. “You know that Crowley’s dad actually booted his Bentley, right?”

“That sucks,” Brian said, picking up the squeaking kitten.

Beelzebub and Crowley always gave the kittens that they were raising horrible names so that they wouldn’t keep them. They named them after things that annoyed them. Adam though that was pretty smart.

“And that’s Britney,” Dagon said, handing a calico kitten to Pepper. “She’s really sweet.”

“She’s pretty!” Pepper exclaimed. “Maybe, this time...”

“Anything is possible,” Dagon replied. “And this is Red Light, Reddy for short. This is Neveah.”

Adam frowned. Nobody liked Neveah Goodson.

“And the little white boy doesn’t have a name.”

“Uh-oh...” Adam said. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He might be deaf,” Dagon explained. “I’ll get the bottles.”

She did, and The Them were happy to help. Adam definitely preferred puppies to kittens, but in the same way that he preferred vanilla ice cream to chocolate. He still liked chocolate.

Dagon brought the tub back to the counter. She put it underneath, beside the safe, in the cubby that stayed warm from the heat of the register.

The customer was gone, and Beelzebub smiled at Adam and his friends.

“Ah, the apt pupil and his friends,” they said.

Adam smiled. They’d called him that for nearly ever. He’d read the short story that it came from, and he didn’t understand a lot of it. He didn’t feel much like Todd Bowden, but Beelzebub said that Todd Bowden didn’t think he was Todd Bowden, either. They also said that as long as he had his friends, he wouldn’t end up like Todd Bowden.

He had no overwhelming urges to kill homeless guys, so he figured he was doing alright.

“What are you up to today?” they asked.

“Y’know,” Adam replied. “Stuff.”

“Are you getting ready for Greece?” Pepper asked, practically bouncing in her red Keds.

“Yes, I am. So is Crowley. I have practice with my coach tomorrow, and Crowley and I are crossing swords most days,” they said. “I have the first round of medical stuff that I have to do next week, because I have to prove to the Olympic committee that I’m healthy enough to participate. And there are some inoculations that I have to get. I have my passport, and my travel plans are set.”

“So...EXCITING!” Pepper exclaimed. “You were our age last time, weren’t you?”

“A little older,” Beelzebub said, scrunching up their nose. They didn’t smile very often, but they smiled for The Them. “I was twelve.”

“What’s Warlock gonna do while you’re gone?” Adam asked.

“He’s staying with his Mimaw,” Beelzebub replied. “Warlock wanted to go, but--oh, he’ll probably tell you if you run into him. After what happened at the French invitational when Crowley and I were nine, we decided against it.”

“What happened at the French invitational when you were nine?” Adam asked.

Beelzebub sighed. “Dr. Masters tried to sell Crowley to some...very bad men. But we speak better French than he does. In the end, our parents decided that it was all just a bad joke on Dr. Masters’ part.”

“You don’t think so,” Adam guessed.

“That’s why we’re not taking Warlock with us,” Beelzebub said. “Because we’re travelling with Dr. Masters.”

“Why does your coach hate Crowley so bad?” Pepper asked.

“Jealousy,” Brian said.

Brian said that Adam made him feel stupid, but sometimes, Brian was the smartest kid that Adam knew.

“Why’s he jealous of a kid?” Wensley asked.

“I’ve met him. That Raphael guy,” Brian said. “And he is creepy.”

“When did you meet Dr. Masters?” Beelzebub asked.

They tried to sound casual, but Adam could hear the slight quaver in their voice.

“He came by my mom’s work a couple of weeks ago. I was helping out. Made a donation, but he talked to me. He’d seen us in here,” Brian said. He swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “I told him he could fuck right off.”

Adam blinked, Dagon laughed, and Wensleydale looked positively scandalized. Pepper punched Brian in the arm. Not hard, but in a happy kind of way.

“Mom wasn’t even mad at me for it, not once I explained stuff. He’s a creep.” Brian shrugged.

“Has my coach tried to talk to anyone else?”

“Long black hair?” Pepper asked. “Blue eyes, but...dark?”

“That’s him.”

“Yeah. I met him. I was riding with my sister out to see our Grammy. He was walking past and wanted to know if I knew you, and I said I did.” Pepper paused. “He didn’t seem creepy to me. If I’d known that he was your coach, I’d have asked for lessons!”

“He’s a doctor now,” Beelzebub said. “He’s very busy. He just coaches me as a...favor...to my family.”

“Did he go to the Olympics?” Pepper asked.

“Once. He got a bronze in foil.”

“But you’ve got golds. Like, plural,” Pepper said. “Shouldn’t you have a coach that’s better than you?”

“Nobody’s better than them,” Wensley said, softly. “We need to stay away from Dr. Masters, don’t we?”

“Well away,” said Dagon. She put a hand on Wensleydale’s shoulder and he stopped breathing. “You tell us if he speaks to you, Wensley. If he speaks to any of you.”

“No problem,” Brian said.

Beelzebub smiled. “Good, that would be best. Here, kids. Take what you want.”

They gestured to the candy counter, and as his friends took a candy bar each, Adam saw Dagon shoot a very pointed look at Beelzebub.

That look meant something very definite. It meant, “Dr. Masters is dangerous, and this is the one step too far.”

Adam agreed with Dagon.

“Your parents aren’t keeping you safe, are they?” Adam asked.

“I keep myself safe,” Beelzebub replied. “And Crowley and I watch out for each other.”

“Who’s going to take care of the kittens while you’re gone?” Pepper asked, completely oblivious to Adam’s concerns.

“Dagon’s staying at my place while we’re at the Olympics.”

“I really want one this time,” she said.

“Maybe your mother will decide that you’re old enough for a familiar,” Beelzebub replied.

“A familiar?” Pepper asked. “Do you have a familiar?”

“Crowley, maybe?” Dagon said.

“Crowley is not my familiar spirit,” Beelzebub said. “He’s my cousin. Anathema’s more knowledgeable on the subject. You can ask her about picking out a familiar.”

Another pointed look from Dagon, but Adam found that look a lot harder to decipher than the last one.

“You’re going to see Anathema while you’re here, right, Adam?” Beelzebub asked.

It was an innocuous question, but Adam knew it meant, “I see you blushing.”

Well, what did Beelzebub know about it, anyways? Adam didn’t think they even could blush. He doubted they’d ever had a crush on anybody ever. At all.

“Yeah,” Adam said, hating the heat behind his ears. “We are.”

“She can tell you all about familiars.” Beelzebub paused. “Don’t let Crowley see you. He hates having to throw you out.”

“They should be able to sneak past during the lunch rush,” Dagon said. “Speaking of which, I’m going to hit the Fish Shack before it gets too wild.”

“You four ought to get going, then,” Beelzebub said.

“Alright,” Adam said. “Good luck with the Olympics. All the prep and stuff.”

“I’m sure you’ll see me again before August,” Beelzebub said. “Be good, alright?”

“Alright,” Adam said.

He meant it when he said it, he truly did.

**Author's Note:**

> For BGHoman, who wants more of this!
> 
> If anybody has a favorite of the remaining Them, hit me up, and I'll gift you their chapter. Ditto Warlock, Shadwell, and Anathema!
> 
> As of now, I'm planning to have a chapter for each of The Them, then Shadwell, then Warlock, and then Anathema. Order is subject to change, but the rest of The Them are next.
> 
> Notes:
> 
> The title is from a Better Than Ezra song, [The King of New Orleans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlR2--3LpMc).
> 
> [A Streetcar Named Desire, which is definitely not kid-friendly.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Streetcar_Named_Desire)
> 
> [St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store](https://svdpneworleans.org/)
> 
> [Beignets, pronounced Ben-yays](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beignet)
> 
> A Brown Cow is a root beer float made with chocolate ice cream.
> 
> [Strange Magazine used to be a print publication, but now it's on the web.](http://www.strangemag.com/)
> 
> [Here's a good primer on the criminalization of LSD.](http://pitjournal.unc.edu/content/lsd-and-hippies-focused-analysis-criminalization-and-persecution-sixties)
> 
> [Aaand the CIA's studies of LSD's potential as a mind control drug.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_MKUltra) Didn't make that up. 
> 
> ["Apt Pupil" is a novella from Different Seasons by Stephen King.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apt_Pupil)
> 
> The Them are not phased by a nonbinary person. Kids rarely are.
> 
> Comments and kudos make me happy and make me write more! If you like what I'm doing, tell me!
> 
> Concrit welcome.


End file.
